Vulnerable
by Mirgaxus
Summary: But it was time to stop thinking ahead. Time to stop playing it safe. Time to stop assuming he could ever figure out what was going on inside Sirius's mind from far behind the safety of his own walls. It was the time to be vulnerable, to play his cards openly. [Remus/Sirius]


_**_4th year_**_

"You see, Remus here has had a crush on me since first year, so he just can't help himself," declared Sirius loudly and threw his arm around Remus' shoulders.

Those twinkling eyes were too close, staring right into him. Remus heard James's laughter, and he could see in his peripheral vision Peter standing behind Sirius, looking between the two of them.

"Isn't that right, Moons?" murmured Sirius, and winked at him.

With a racing heartbeat, Remus said calmly and with a forced half-smile, "Oh, fuck off." He pushed Sirius's arm away and stepped away from him. __Relax, look bored, look indifferent, deny deny deny, don't show your panic, this is a joke, just a joke,__ __brush it off quickly, wipe that smug smirk off his face...__ "You are the last person I could ever have a crush on. Sorry Sirius, but I know you too well for that."

* * *

Had it been hurt he had seen on Sirius' face after his words? And if so, hurt because of what exactly? Hurt on his ego?

It could have been sadness too, now that he tried to recall the expression to decipher emotions and thoughts behind it.

Or maybe it had been just plain surprise.

(Fuck, why had his Sirius-reading skills abandoned him on this crucial moment.)

What about James - had Remus only imagined that he had looked disappointed afterwards? Why would he look disappointed? Unless... what if Sirius hadn't been joking, and James had known that, and-

No, no, he was being stupid.

Besides, if Sirius had been genuine, he wouldn't have said anything __in front of their friends__. He wouldn't have played it off as a joke in the first place. That would have been just dumb. __Right?__

Except Sirius was far more insecure about some things than one could guess at first glance. And the more something meant for him, the more likely he __was__ to address it only as a joke...

But no, this was all too silly. Remus wasn't going to let his own pathetic wishes make him delusional about this.

The more he thought about that short moment, the more he was only going to see what he wanted to see.

Still, no matter how he tried to forget, or at least not obsess over it all, the look on Sirius' face haunted Remus.

Sometimes he thought he was a fool to second guess his first instinct. __Of course__ it had been just a joke. __Of course__ it couldn't have been anything else.

Sometimes he thought he must have been a fool to react so hastily. Those times he worried that he had done a big mistake.

And often he wished he could just be brave enough to go to Sirius, and ask what it all had meant to him.

* * *

 _ ** _6th year_**_

It had taken almost two years, but maybe the hat hadn't been wrong about Remus after all.

"Oh, fuck off," said Remus, his eyes on laughing Sirius. __This is__ _ _it.__ He could feel his heartbeat racing. "You see-" __Smile. Look him in the eye. Look sincere. Don't smile too much, or it looks like you don't mean this! And for fuck's sake, don't pass out__ _ _now. Breathe.__

Remus realised that he was taking too long when Sirius looked at him with raised eyebrows and asked him with an amused smirk, "I see what?"

 _ _I can do this. I can. I can be a Gryffindor.__ "I have had a crush on you since first year, so I just couldn't help myself."

 _ _No more hiding, no more second guessing after this.__ It was a relief to have finally said it aloud, he realized, no matter what was going to happen next.

Sirius' eyes widened, and his smirk dropped off his face slowly. His eyes were intense as they ran over Remus' face.

 _ _Does he look like how I might have looked like back then? Waiting for the other shoe to drop in? Watching out for the joke? What is he thinking?__

But it was time to stop thinking ahead. Time to stop playing it safe. Time to stop assuming he could ever figure out what was going on inside Sirius's mind from far behind the safety of his own walls. It was the time to be vulnerable, to play his cards openly.

Remus looked away from Sirius' face, no longer able to stand meeting the intense eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped to clear his suddenly dried up throat.

 _ _All in. You can do this.__ __It's just Sirius.__ "And I'm not joking."

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** This was written for introvert-club's 15th Wolfstar-prompt: "You see, Remus here has had a crush on me since first year, so he just can't help himself."

Prompts are open for everyone, and a new one is posted every week on club's tumblr (introvert-club dot tumblr dot com). If you participate, you should tag them with #wolfstar introvert prompt on tumblr if you post there; and add them on "Wolfstar Introvert Prompts" collection on AO3 if you post there - so your story can be found and read by others too! :) All past prompts are open too, and may be used.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this! ^^ You may find all of my fics in AO3 under "Mirgaxus", and you may find me rambling about HP stuff and other things in tumbrl at mirgaxus dot tumblr dot com.


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